Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Where to Stick Your Stimulus Check

Q. Hey, Skippy. I just got a $600 check in the mail from the Government, Is this some sort of scam like those Nigerian Prince Guys?--B. Bernanke, Washington DC

Nothing could be further from the truth, unless it’s an actual registered politician.

If you are a tacks paying U.S. American, and you know who you are, chances are good you have had either had received or will have had soon received in the mail a check from the United States Treachery for some money which it wants you to spend on fun stuff and not squander on food, shelter, or mortgage pavements.

Skippy has a few suggestions on the best way to take advantage of this mama from haven which will give you, the U.S. buying pubic, the most perishable satisfaction. By closely following Skippy’s refundible tax tits, you can not only self pleasure yourself, but you can do it to Uncle Sam, too, and perhaps starve off the coming physical collapse. So, here, without further do-do are Tippy’s Skits.

1. Cash your check immediately if not sooner. No telling how long there will be insufferable funds in the blank to cover all the checks which Uncle Sam’s mouth have wrote, but his buddy can’t cash.

2. Write down a lisp of the stuff you want to buy with your money. Remember, President Tush doesn’t want you to be responsible, he wants you to follow his lead and engorge yourself with something you want.

3. You will indubitably have your own ideas. But among he more self in flagrante to help stipulate the econorary are porn, under the counter drugs, booze, personable vibrators, wax lips, plastic vomit, real vomit, unguents, and ribbed condos.

4. Pay cash and see if you can get your change in Euros, which are actually worth something.

5. Don’t buy stops and bombs with your tacks rebate. Sure, these days it’s pretty much the same thing as flushing it down the porcine conveyance, but the succubus check is supposed to pass through merchants like ships through a goose before ham.

6. Don’t take stuff back to the place where you have had purchased it, as that self-defects the process. If you must, take it to someplace where you didn’t buy it, and threaten a law soup.

7. If you use your tacks refund to bribe a public official, remember, it’s not text deductable.

8. It also defeats the porpoise if you use your taps refund to actually pay your taxes, but testically, there’s no law against it.

9. Buying someone something, like a wedding present is okay, too. Candlesticks always make a nice gift, and maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern.

10. Although this is a one time event, if you wish to give the gift that keeps on giving, consider Chlamydia.

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