Thursday, September 4, 2008

Skippy's Pre-game Redskin Speech

Skippy Gzitzman, owner/operator of this website, has been given the rare honor of presenting a locker room motivational speech to the Washington Redskins before their opening game against the Superbowl Champion New York Giants. The following is a transcript of that speech. The original is on display at the Smithsonian.
Dearly Beloved,

Hi, my name is Skippy and I have a mental plate in my head. I live with Mama, the twins of my dead sister and my cat, Mr. Whiskers IV, in a FEMA doublewide down from Floyd the Truck Drivin’ Man and his Peterbilt. I really really like Lemon Meringue pie.

Skippy have been asked by Head Coach-for-Now Zim Jorn to give this Motivationary Speak to you Redskims before tonight’s game.

If you're nervous, just keep in mind the guys in the other locker room put on your pants the same way you do, only first they grease ‘em up with Crisco and KY Jelly.

Don't forget, that tonight is the day you take the bull by the shorts, strap him up, and face the music with your ear to the grimestone. Play them “One Day at a Time” although Skippy prefers “The Golden Girls,” 10 PM weeknights on TBS.

In the immoral words of that genius, Norman Einstein, never have so many done so much for so few and vice versa. Rumyard Kipling once wroted in his poem, Want some Candy, Kid?--“If you can get some head when all about you are losing theirs, congratulations, you may already be a winner.”

Today’s contest is not the end of the beginning, nor the beginning of the end. It is merely the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end, unless it rains.

Remberith thith: If a man gains the world but loseth his immoral soles, what doth it profit him in the end, unless he be jellin’?

Don’t think just because they won the Super Bowl that Giants don’t play football. Bowling is a lot like football except it’s played indoors, and it has alleys and bigger balls. Speaking of bigger balls, as the late Coach Vince Lumbago once said earlier, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight that counts, but enough about Michael Vick.”

But seriously, folks, this is what we practice for, except the guys who were cut, who practiced for little more than whatever tape they could filch.

In closing, don’t forget to tip your towel boy, tighten your jocks and clocks, and remember, win or lose, someone will emerge victorious. And it is Skippy’s firm hose that the Redskims will be the winners tonight. If not, at least make sure the Giants don’t cover. Now get out there and win one for the Giffords.

Finally, if I can leave you with but one thought, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.