Monday, July 7, 2008

Skippy Helps You Get Gassed

How can I save Gas and Increase Mileage?—H. Ford, Dearborn, MI.

Skippy is dewing his part to avoid Gobular Climax Change by making his trips to the pie shop more few and getting most of his same pie also at the same time too. Skippy really really likes Lemon Meringue Pie.

Skippy also axed Floyd, the truck Drivin’ Man, for some tips but he was passed out in his Peterbilt in a Diuretic Comma from all the pie.

So here is Tippy’s Gas Skips.

*Sometimes when you drive, don’t take your car, drive a bike instead. This saves gas.

*Because energy is dispensated when you put on your breaks, remove your breaks from your car. Try not to hit things, but remember if you do, when your car is in the repair shop, you can’t drive it. This saves gas.

*Use your horn and stick your head out the window and yell, “Out of the way, Fathead, I have no breaks.”

*Because gas expounds when temperatures are lower, fill your car in the early morning hours, preferably before the gas station opens. This will save you money.

*Buy several hundred propeller beanies and epoxy them to the hood of your car. The aerial windage created by the spinning propellers can be compensated into renewable energy.

*Instead of headlights, use a flashlight. This saves electricity.

*Move to a hilltop, coast down the hill and winch your car back up. This saves gas.

*A mixture of half gas, half turpentine, and half Old Time Lemonade mix can be used instead of Hi Test if you’re not that fond of your engine.

*If you don’t want solar panels on the roof of your car for atheistic reasons, put them on the bottom instead and flip your car over at night when you aren’t using it, so your solar pan…no wait, that won’t work. Never mind.

*Hitchhike. If more people hitchhiked fewer people would drive alone and there would be more sex between conmuting adults and adulturers. While you are pulled over “Doing it,” you save gas.

*Cow farts.

*Buy a slicker for your car. Wind slides past slickers, which is why they are called slickers and you get better gas musilage. Also, “slicker” is a funny word. Just ask Arty from The Larry sanders Show.

*Grace Slick was never on The Larry Sanders Show, which was a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

*Naugahyde Vinyl Seats. Your ass slides all over which provides gas-saving ass momentum going into turns. Try to turn the same way as often as probable.

*Next erection, don’t elect a oil man president in chief who as an oilman couldn’t find undergrown oil in Texas--or his ass with both hands, and who, when he owned the Texas Rangers, traded away slugger Keyser Soze.