Skippy Helps You Get Gassed

How can I save Gas and Increase Mileage?—H. Ford, Dearborn, MI.

Skippy is dewing his part to avoid Gobular Climax Change by making his trips to the pie shop more few and getting most of his same pie also at the same time too. Skippy really really likes Lemon Meringue Pie.

Skippy also axed Floyd, the truck Drivin’ Man, for some tips but he was passed out in his Peterbilt in a Diuretic Comma from all the pie.

So here is Tippy’s Gas Skips.

*Sometimes when you drive, don’t take your car, drive a bike instead. This saves gas.

*Because energy is dispensated when you put on your breaks, remove your breaks from your car. Try not to hit things, but remember if you do, when your car is in the repair shop, you can’t drive it. This saves gas.

*Use your horn and stick your head out the window and yell, “Out of the way, Fathead, I have no breaks.”

*Because gas expounds when temperatures are lower, fill your car in the early morning hours, preferably before the gas station opens. This will save you money.

*Buy several hundred propeller beanies and epoxy them to the hood of your car. The aerial windage created by the spinning propellers can be compensated into renewable energy.

*Instead of headlights, use a flashlight. This saves electricity.

*Move to a hilltop, coast down the hill and winch your car back up. This saves gas.

*A mixture of half gas, half turpentine, and half Old Time Lemonade mix can be used instead of Hi Test if you’re not that fond of your engine.

*If you don’t want solar panels on the roof of your car for atheistic reasons, put them on the bottom instead and flip your car over at night when you aren’t using it, so your solar pan…no wait, that won’t work. Never mind.

*Hitchhike. If more people hitchhiked fewer people would drive alone and there would be more sex between conmuting adults and adulturers. While you are pulled over “Doing it,” you save gas.

*Cow farts.

*Buy a slicker for your car. Wind slides past slickers, which is why they are called slickers and you get better gas musilage. Also, “slicker” is a funny word. Just ask Arty from The Larry sanders Show.

*Grace Slick was never on The Larry Sanders Show, which was a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

*Naugahyde Vinyl Seats. Your ass slides all over which provides gas-saving ass momentum going into turns. Try to turn the same way as often as probable.

*Next erection, don’t elect a oil man president in chief who as an oilman couldn’t find undergrown oil in Texas--or his ass with both hands, and who, when he owned the Texas Rangers, traded away slugger Keyser Soze.

SKIPPY’S GRADUATION SPEECH

Text from Skippy’s Graduation Address to the Class of 2008 at Floyd’s Unlicensed Drive-a-Peterbilt Academy and Car Wash, June 1, 2008

“Constipated Faculty, Extinguished Aluminum, and Unwelcome Graduates of Floyd’s Unlicensed Drive-a-Peterbilt Academy and Car Wash, welcome to tonight or today’s graduation ceremonies, whichever comes first.

Firstly of which, I’d like to thank Floyd for that wonderful introspection. As Floyd said, my name is Skippy Gzitzman and I have a metal plate in my head, so please don’t throw magnets like they did last year.

Today, I say without fear of contraception that it is a horror and a privilege to have to speak to you as you launch out into the world of professional divers. As you slide behind the well of your trucks, you’ll soon see the highways and fryways, feeways and tunepikes over which you will be driving in your Peterbilts.

Shirtly, you will put your tassel on your other head and become an exposed facto member of this besmirched institution.

I believe it was Mort Twain, who once explained, humans is the only animal who brushes, or needs to. But also, human orgasms have the ability to laugh up their shorts at themself. Aminals can’t laugh except the hyena, which laughs mostly at knock-knock jokes and Carlos Mencia.

The poet once said: “To thine own shelf be true, all others pay cash.” We all know one of the first lesions you earn in life is to never give up, never give in, and never give your social security number to a hooker. Or a slicer. Or any golfer. Because they will identify thieve you and buy a Big Burper from Carraway.

Many of you men and women were once young boys when you were growing up. Some of you may recall when you went through publicity, and discovered hair under your arms and on your puber. If you were like me, you often said to yourself, what does it profit a man if he has so much as schtuped to help a fiend in need? So true. So very, very true.

It was Soccertoes or Tom Cruise who once said, "Do those come in men’s sizes?" But stature isn’t a matter of how tall you are, or your girth, or your girdle. It’s what’s inside, point to own heart, which counts the most.

Also, World Peace.

Many of the few of you who must look for work have already found it, and to you, I say, remember the Maine. It is only by having did what is most hard, that dreams take wings, and if you doesn’t do what a man’s gotta do, who does? No one who never dreams will ever know the same.

Frank Wurlitzer, who used to play with his own mighty organ before inventing the Nobel Prize, once said, “Music is like soup. You must cook it first. Unless it’s Vichy Sauce, which is served cold, garnered with potatoes. Or you could take a leek in the broth instead.”

But I digress. If I may be so bald, let me leave you with the immoral words of Franklyn Domino Roosevelt, who was either once President of this great napkin of ours, or sang Blueberry Hill. For those of you who don't, one asks, what do it profit a man if either a difference he can make but chooses nigh?

And so, time having passed, moves on. Yet people still ask me. And I answer, who asked you, Fatso?

But mostly, my message to always this. Remember and never forgot when you left this degradation ceremony these three important lepers. 1. You may now drink algorhythmic beavers. 2. Smoke if you got ‘em. 3. If you’ve brought some weed, share it with your speaker.

Also, Floyd reminds me to remind me to remind you to don’t forget to return your mens room key and also, your instructors work for tips, so give early and often.

This is the third consecutive year in a row Floyd has asked me to give the gradation speech, so Skippy feels like he knows a little bit about you truckers, your mothers and, of course, you mother truckers. Skippy apologizes again to last year’s class for his inadverbial mispronuncment which became one of the most dirtiest of George W. Carlin’s seven words he can’t say on TV, except HBO.

And let Skippy leave you with this. If Will Rogers weren’t still dead today, Skippy bets he would never say he never met a man he didn’t like. Thank you and goodnight. Did I mention, I’m Skippy?