Thursday, June 5, 2008


Text from Skippy’s Graduation Address to the Class of 2008 at Floyd’s Unlicensed Drive-a-Peterbilt Academy and Car Wash, June 1, 2008

“Constipated Faculty, Extinguished Aluminum, and Unwelcome Graduates of Floyd’s Unlicensed Drive-a-Peterbilt Academy and Car Wash, welcome to tonight or today’s graduation ceremonies, whichever comes first.

Firstly of which, I’d like to thank Floyd for that wonderful introspection. As Floyd said, my name is Skippy Gzitzman and I have a metal plate in my head, so please don’t throw magnets like they did last year.

Today, I say without fear of contraception that it is a horror and a privilege to have to speak to you as you launch out into the world of professional divers. As you slide behind the well of your trucks, you’ll soon see the highways and fryways, feeways and tunepikes over which you will be driving in your Peterbilts.

Shirtly, you will put your tassel on your other head and become an exposed facto member of this besmirched institution.

I believe it was Mort Twain, who once explained, humans is the only animal who brushes, or needs to. But also, human orgasms have the ability to laugh up their shorts at themself. Aminals can’t laugh except the hyena, which laughs mostly at knock-knock jokes and Carlos Mencia.

The poet once said: “To thine own shelf be true, all others pay cash.” We all know one of the first lesions you earn in life is to never give up, never give in, and never give your social security number to a hooker. Or a slicer. Or any golfer. Because they will identify thieve you and buy a Big Burper from Carraway.

Many of you men and women were once young boys when you were growing up. Some of you may recall when you went through publicity, and discovered hair under your arms and on your puber. If you were like me, you often said to yourself, what does it profit a man if he has so much as schtuped to help a fiend in need? So true. So very, very true.

It was Soccertoes or Tom Cruise who once said, "Do those come in men’s sizes?" But stature isn’t a matter of how tall you are, or your girth, or your girdle. It’s what’s inside, point to own heart, which counts the most.

Also, World Peace.

Many of the few of you who must look for work have already found it, and to you, I say, remember the Maine. It is only by having did what is most hard, that dreams take wings, and if you doesn’t do what a man’s gotta do, who does? No one who never dreams will ever know the same.

Frank Wurlitzer, who used to play with his own mighty organ before inventing the Nobel Prize, once said, “Music is like soup. You must cook it first. Unless it’s Vichy Sauce, which is served cold, garnered with potatoes. Or you could take a leek in the broth instead.”

But I digress. If I may be so bald, let me leave you with the immoral words of Franklyn Domino Roosevelt, who was either once President of this great napkin of ours, or sang Blueberry Hill. For those of you who don't, one asks, what do it profit a man if either a difference he can make but chooses nigh?

And so, time having passed, moves on. Yet people still ask me. And I answer, who asked you, Fatso?

But mostly, my message to always this. Remember and never forgot when you left this degradation ceremony these three important lepers. 1. You may now drink algorhythmic beavers. 2. Smoke if you got ‘em. 3. If you’ve brought some weed, share it with your speaker.

Also, Floyd reminds me to remind me to remind you to don’t forget to return your mens room key and also, your instructors work for tips, so give early and often.

This is the third consecutive year in a row Floyd has asked me to give the gradation speech, so Skippy feels like he knows a little bit about you truckers, your mothers and, of course, you mother truckers. Skippy apologizes again to last year’s class for his inadverbial mispronuncment which became one of the most dirtiest of George W. Carlin’s seven words he can’t say on TV, except HBO.

And let Skippy leave you with this. If Will Rogers weren’t still dead today, Skippy bets he would never say he never met a man he didn’t like. Thank you and goodnight. Did I mention, I’m Skippy?

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