Monday, April 21, 2008

Is Toys Safe?

"Which is safer, new toys or old vintage toys which aren't so old to me?"
--M. Safer 60 Minutes

Many toys are mostly made in The Popeil’s Republic of China, where they have plenty of lead on hand for the toys, which are then reported to the United States to poison poor children-- because somebody has to.

Latest recall is for “Baby Get the Lead Out” Weighted Diapers, designed to keep your infart in one spot while Mama steps out for a cool one. But it can cause butt chapping of baby’s buttrocks, which baby doesn't like. Before that, Chinese solid lead marvels for Chinese Checkers were recalled because when used for shooting marvels you could kill someone if you're lucky.

Among the 38 toy recalls last year were for too much lead. Others might get logged in baby’s Eucalyptus, which even an emergency Heineken Man-o-war can’t help. Others can be swallowed infernally and can cause instructional preparations of the ass.

Skippy prefers toys from the good old daze. “Tinkle Toys” were a bunch of sticks and round knobs that you could make stuff out of. Also Skippy favored his Erection Set, which used mental lanyards, pullets and screws to help you get an erection.

Skippy never had a BB gub, but liked to play with crap guns. His favorite slogan is “They can fry my cold dead gun along with my fingers after I’m dead,” which was originally said by formerly dead Charlton Moses.

Speaking of gunsluggers, Skippy liked his Roy Rogers Genuine Taxidermy Kit, which Skippy used to stuff toy horses and toy poodles.

Also, Skippy really liked Mama's battery powered imitation banana toy which tickles. Mama didn't give it to Skippy, but Skippy found it in drawer and that's what Mama said it was for. Also Skippy liked Dr. Virgina's "Lil Gynocologist" kit, which helped Skippy get through publicity.

Also Skippy liked Heinz Bacon & Beans "Pull My Finger" game, which Skippy sent off for. Also Skippy liked "Take a Guess: The Moron's Guide to the SAT" game which proofed to be very beneficiary.

Skippy also liked his genuine “I.C.B.M Vanguard Satellite Launch Pad and Tracking Station” by Remco, which was so authentic, all it did was blowed up on the lunch pad.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

How Do You Cure Gobel Warning?

Question from A. Gore, Goreville, TN

Maybe some of you have saw years ago that in the town of the Philippine, which is an island, or actually a series of Islands surrounded by sinking ferries. These ferries come from nearby continentals and Archie Pelligrinos, not that there's anything wrong with that--as Gary Seinfeld might say, were he were alive today.

When Mount Pinafloydturbo esploded, it cooled the earp for years because of massive amounts of ground up suits and vulcanized liver flung up from its Volvo. This particular volcano is not to be confused with Krapatoa, East of Java, the coffee Volcano. Interesting movie fact: Krapatoa is actually West of Java.

But that’s not your question. How do you cure Gobel Warning? Afterall, you can start an insurance fire, but not a flood or a Volcano. Skippy suggests then, with all cerealness, that you do it by putting an atomic bum or some other sort of unclear dervish in the middle of Mount St. Hellmans, which blowed up real good a few years ago.

This former previous explosion threw Mount St. Hellman's ash out of its ash hole waaaaay up into the sky and it got caught up in the Van Allen Belt, which cured the Gobel Warning for a year or two. Or maybe I'm confusing it with Van Allen’s suspenders.

But those are just the facts, and as Yogi Bear once put it, "90 percent of all hitting is half mental."

There is a downside, howeverwise. If too big a bum is interrupted in Mount St. Hellman’s ashhole, it might put up more ash in the Ashmosphere than is needed. Then Gobel Warning would become Gobel Colding and President George W. Dubya might insist everyone dig for oil in their backyard so we can heat up the planet with facile fools.

So, in short, let Skippy reiterate an opinion in polar opposite to the opinion previously iterated, or as Floyd might say, never mind.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Why do dogs bark?

Question from a Mr. R. T. Tin, Paramus, NJ

Good question, Fathead. Not all dogs bark. The barkless Basenji doesn’t bark and makes an excellent guard dog if you are worried your house may be broken into by mimes.

To misunderstood why dogs don’t bark it is impotent to know that dogs are condescended from Wolf Blitzer, which don’t bark, they howl. Ever since dogs have been domesticrated, their barks have had a different meaning.

Dogs often bark as a form of excommunication or if they have a cold and can’t sniff another dog’s ass. That bark means, “Hey, who are you, and what happened to your balls?”

Dogs also bark to warn the pack of stuff like a car is going by the house or a bumblebee farted or the Mailman is delivering bills.

Dogs frequently bark as a form of greeting to their master or mistress of whom is home, saying: “Hello, how are you? “Did you have a good day?” And “Feed me or I’ll rip your throat out.

Also, some dogs bark to scar away Buglers, who maybe are going to bugle your hose or which dogs are afraid maybe their food dish or their Doggie Chewies or their Krugerrands.

Other dogs bark to help you determine the severity of your hangover.

The only two other aminals who barks is Seal, who is married to either Hiney Krum or Gretchin Munchit. Also, the grossly similar sea lion, which are the same as Seals exccept they don’t have ears but do have much nicer skin.

Kittycats don’t bark for two reason; (1) they’re cats, and (b), cats is stupid.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

What's the Deal with the Roadrunner?

Question from W.E. Coyote, Framingham, MA)

The Roadrunner, (Runningbirdus WarnerBrosi) is the state bird of New Mexico. (State capitol of New Mexico is Santa Fe. State Cactus: Saguaro. State Hole in the Ground: Carlsbad Caverns. State Festival: Roswell Abductionfest. State motto: "Are we there yet?")

The Roadrunner is also known as a Chapparal Cock (tee-hee) and was officially adopted as such of which in 1949.

The bird averages 22 inches in length, and has been clocked at 17 MPH (32 Celcius). The Roadrunner can fly short distances but prefers walking, running, or, when threatened or hurried, will usually just grab a cab.

Other American state birds include the Ostrich, the state bird of Cleveland, Eldericus Herbraica, state bird of Florida, the Cuckoo, (California), The Bald Eagle, (state bird of Telly Savalas), and the Middle Finger, the state bird of New Jersey.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Where is Christopher Columbus Buried?

(Question emailed from R. Feder, Ft. Lee, NJ.)

Excellent question, Fathead. There is great constipation about the location of where Columbo is buried. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue in the Nino, the Pinto and the Mongo Santamaria. When he uncovered "America," he named it after Queen United States of Spain, his sponsor and concubine, who had purchased the naming rights.

Like many Alivo-Americans, Columbo chose not to be buried until after he had perspired posthumously. Hence, there is still questions about whether his remainders were buried in Spain or in the island nation of Dominico Modugno.

Although Columbo originally shuffled off this mortal boil in Spain in 1506, his last Will and Testicles requested that his body be interned "in the New World, as long as it isn’t Jersey." Recent DNA tests have inconcluded that some of Columbo’s relatives are alive and others are decreased and living in Seville, Spain, where his father was a barber.

Ironically, Christopher Columbus, the flim director who directed Homo Lone and Harvey Potter and the Chamber of Commerce is not a offspring or any other season of Christopher Columbus, the dead guy, or Columbo the detective, starring Peter Falk.

There am no data Skippy could come up regarding likeage or dislikeage of Lemon Meringue Pie on behalf of Columbus.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

What kind of Planes Do Hurrycanes Fly?

Skippy think you mean Hurrycane Hunters fly because Hurrycanes can’t fly due to because they is on the “Don’t fly” list of the Homely Security Agency because they have more than three ounces of liquid.

Hurricane Hunters is also called Himicane Hunters these days on recount of Hurrycanes are named after people who are both boys and girls, not that there’s anything wrong with that. It was part of the Equal Sex Law of 1975 which declared when it comes to sex neither men and/nor women get to be on top.

Himicane Hunters used to flewed a one engined Beachwood Banana or Piper Club airplane which is nuts because they aren't big enough for Hurrycane flying into of which.

Hurrycane hunters now fly 4-engine planes which are usually modifried virgins of the old warhouse, the C-130 Hercules, named after French Detective Hercules Poirot, whose is also from Belgian, although Skippy has never seen him belch.

Hurculeses have Turboplotz engines and tell how fast is the Hurrycane going and what up with the Baron von Metric Pressure, and which way the wind blows. They don’t have a whetherman on board because you don’t need a whetherman to know which way the wind blows.

Skippy is very impressed with the bravery of Himicane Hunters and also which is sometimes called foolhowdyness. Hurrycane Hunters have a important function to warn people to get out of Dodge when a Himicane is coming, and Skippy wishes them good luck and good speed. Skippy knows when a Hurrycane is coming because his plate aches.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Who Should the Redskims Draft?

In the previous recent past, the Redskims have given away their draft picks for overpaid players who reinvented the word "Suckage." This year they are overthrowning that tradition, and going back to squandering their picks themselfs.

The Redskims, of who Skippy is a big fan, have nine draft picks this year to waste, so there is a lot of pressure on selecting exactly the wrong players to pick. Fortunately, the Odor, Dan Snyder, and his Devoted Towelboy, Vinnie Cerratsosrizzo, get to make all the picks, so Skippy asks you--what could go right?

Skippy thinks the Redskims should continue their First Round tradition of drafting a receiver who can't catch anything more constipated than a cold. If he's available, Skippy suggests Lime-as$ Sweedish, the tall drink of water from the University of Dubya. He's 6 foot four, or four foot six, and has good hands but a bad wrist, injured in a tragic corsage accident.

Skippy's Redskim Chair

Second round choice should either be a linebacker with a bad knee (a la Rocky Balboatosh) or a DT with a bad back like that guy with the bad back they drafted who name Skippy has mercifully forgotted.

There are two third round choices to be squattered, so Skippy recommends one be traded for a RB who can't run, Like T.J. Duckmeister, the other donated to the Red Cross. Otherwise it would just be some WR signed for an obscene amount of money he wont urn, like Brando Lloyd.

The lower round choices take care of themselfs. Skippy suggests a QB who'll later join his brother with the Bengals or a center with a smallish package.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

What the Heck's the Deal with Goiters?

As you may know Skippy lives in a Doublewide with Mama and the Simonize twins of his dead sister, right next to Floyd in his Peterbilt cab who we are suing because he will bring down the reel estate values. Skippy really really likes Lemon Meringue Pie.

Mama has a goiter the size of a canned ham. She stays pretty much in the trailer because she is ashamed of the Goiter, which she's nicknamed "Larry." Once Mama had an absent tooth but wouldn't go to the denticist until the pane became so bad she couldn't stand it, so she sat. Then Mama put a shower curtain around her neck and would only let the denticist see her from the chin up. (Turned out she had to have a roof canal)

Skippy saw on the Gary Seinfield show an episode about a woman with a Goiter and Elaine made fun of her. Skippy never makes fun of Mama because she doesn't have a sense of humor but does have a deadly right cross.

Some fear a Goiter is contentious. No, it’s generic, whereby it can be handed down from generation to generation, preferably with Goiter tongs. More Goiter answers can be found on the wedsite of the American Goiter Association, not affiliated with CBS.