Thursday, February 12, 2009

Skippy Sez: Snyder Done Does It Again

Skippy thinks that Don Snyder, the owner and chef of the Washington Redscums will dance with the one who brang him as soon as NFL Free Allegory starts February 27th-ish.

Remember last year when the Redscums traded two picks (nose and water) to the Miami Dolphins, (formerly the Renault Dauphines)? Huh? Huh? In exchange for those toothpicks, the Marine and Puce only received the runner-oops from the last “Dancing with the Stars” TV show.

That prayer, Defensive End Jasmine Taylor, quickly began injuring his extremities. First he had Planter’s Fascitititititis, which means your foot hurts. Then he hurt his knee. How? Fried. No, wait, wrong joke. Actually, Taylor’s knee got badly hyper-extenuated when he arrived so late trying to make a tackle, the next play had already started.

Next Taylor completed the Hat Truck of injuries when his calf got Compartmentilization Sitdown. That’s when a player drives himself to the hospital in the middle of the night to garner sympathy for himself but not, ironically, for Jennifer Garner, who is smokin’ hot.

Here’s what Skippy thinks. (If he’s wrong, blame the nascent science of Plate Tectonics.) See, Don Snyder has been out of the sportlight spurtlight for years. Well, except to remind us now and then that he can’t draft or hire someone who can, can’t win, can’t trade, and can’t run an amusement park which rises bold and stark while kids huddle on the beach in a mist. Also, he picked the wrong Scientologist as his movie buddy.

So Skippy thuswise stinks Synder will look to make a major splatdown by trading away the farm for extensive Free Agencies who will disappoint fans or disappear or both. Turns out getting Taylor in time to channel the fading career of Bruce Smith was just a warmup.

Look for Snyder to trade his #1 pick this year and next year for a Baltimore Oriole linebacker, plus spend $80 million more for Alan Haynseworth, defensive tickle of the Tittans or defensive end Julius Caesar of the Carolina Pinchers.

Whichever one they get will eat himself out of horse and home and/or plan a second career as an Hollywood Action Herpes. Skippy believes in the old Scottish expression "Stay the Gorse" and build threw the daft.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Skippy the Analyist Anals the Redskims

Well here it is with the Supper bowl approaching, and Skippy’s favorite fubbal team has had it’s dopes and schemes cruelly flushed down the porcelain convenience.

So it’s about time Skippy waited in on what the heck is wong with the Wredskins. After all, it is the post-seasoning beyotching Season of the Year, footballwisedlyspeaking.

Let's stop with the front orifice. First of leave, stop picking on Vinny Ceratini for not being sorry for his mistooks. The guy started his own radio show, and that has keeped him two busy to apologize for his incompetence. Just like George Bush W. I’m sure when the Redskims General Mangler in Chief of Charge of Footballs and Operations gets fired from his radio show he’ll have plenty of time to ‘splain to fans why he is such a yutz. (Yutz is a Jewish word for Schmuck, which is a Jewish word for Putz.)

Let’s start with last year when hops were higher than Cheech Marin with pocketful of blunts. Okay, so Vinny dafted three guys who can’t walk and chew gum at the same time to goose up the passing attack and that ended up giving HIM the bird. One can’t wake up, one can't line up, one can’t stand up without his knees turning into mushmellons.

He also dafted a corner botch who is 5’2” and couldn’t cover Alaska with snow during a hurricane of snow only colder which water has to be to be snow and a hurricane doesn’t have it but Skippy can’t think of the word for Blizzard.

The punter he dafted is now working at a Seven-11, which ironically was the average length of his punts--seven foots, eleven inches, plus Federal Exercise Tax.

Also, he traded for Peg Leg Bates to play defendible end. Twice. First there was Irritable James, a one legged guy who lives in a hospital. His best rush technique was hoping the QB got injured, then sneaking into the ER and hitting him over the head with a bedpan.

The other bozo was a 55-year-old tap dancer, who is 6’6” 120 pounds, and who worked out in the off-season with Rita Moreno . Vinny managed to swindle him away for only a 2nd round pick despite demands by Miami for an eighth-rounder and a bag of beer nuts.

Jason the Tailor spent the season in the whirlypool, on the bench or in the ‘skins defensive backfield, where he usually got blocked to. He plans to spend this off-season on the Gaza, Strip-dancing with Joe the Plumber.

Vinny also mangled to sign Bill Clinton Portis as lifetime running back at a crap figure so high, he can never be fired, which encourages him to be shellfish and nut a team prayer.

Meanwhile, Don Snyder refusals to hire a general mangler whose religion doesn’t forbid the dafting of linemen.

This is whay the Redskims suck. Again.