Saturday, May 10, 2008

What the Heck's a Superdelegate?

Question from H. Clinton, NY

The Superdelegate conceit should not be confused with conceited Superdelegates. Superdelegates were invented by Democrats last year when it appeared the party stood in danger of winning back the White House in 2008. By acting quickly and magnanimously, they hopped to undo their own doing. Democratic Chairmonger Herman Dean bravely led a plan to snatch jaws from the feet of victory and avoid winning back the White Horse.

“Let’s face it,” Dean said, looking askance. “That place is a dump. I bet the Bushes don’t even get their deposit back.”

To avoid repeat constipation, Dean relearned lessons from the 2000 erection. As you recall, Senator John Bon Kerry then parlayed his hermetically sealed war record into a proclivity for cowardice under friars. Of course, Kerry was assisted by the Strip Boat Veterinarians for Peas, which are neither.

By early 2007--or mid 2006, whichever comes first--Hillerary Clinton was the prejorative favorite. The 2-1 odds-on odds by which she was leading surpassed even her own husband’s 3-1 odds-on odds of leading some odd hussy astray before the cock struck twelve. (And if you’ve ever had your cock strike twelve, you know how painful that can be.)

Meanwhile, Chairmonger Dean came up with a primary plan that he dubbed “Super Tuesday” (not to be confused with “Soup or delegate,” which comes with a side of shrimp fried rice). Dean’s plan involved dividing officials into blue-collar Delegates and white-colonic Superdelegates. Next, he tossed Michigan and Florida out of the democratic Convent for cutting in line. This extended the race indefiantly.

However, the Democraps feared they still might win. So they derived an ingenious plotz which forced U.S. American voters to choose between a black guy (Barrack Obama), a white woman guy (Hilary Clinton), and a fairy guy (Dennis Kucinich). Let me note with some fervor and a little groin tingle that Mr. Kucinich is not a fairy per se, or in the prerogative fruitcake sense, but is actually a tiny winged creature from Ireland.

All these changes so confused Democratic voters that they came out in droves for the primarily erections. (A few still drove blue snits from another joke). The plan worked beyond Senator Dream’s wildest Dean.

When front-runner Hillary Clinton suddenly became the rear-runner, she tried to reseed Florida Superdelegates, delegate Delaware Uber Delegates, and dismiss Michigan’s demented Delegates. This backfired in her face, which meant it frontfired in Obama’s butt. Still she wouldn’t quit.

The capo di tutti frutti to Hillary’s neverending plotz was when she reupholstered her pantsuits so as not to make her huge ass look so Ginormous.

Further results as they become unavailable.

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