Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Skippy Explains the Spaced Program

“What is the Mars Phoenix Mission?” --W. Von Braun, Stuttgart, Germany

This was a recent missions by the National Automobile and Space Administration. (NASSAU), who employs rocket sturgeons who are smarter than you, but who are by and large a bunch of Nerds, so stick your jealousy where the sun don’t grow. (The program is actually monikered by the Jet Prostitution Lad in Pasadena, CA.)

The mission took nine months and cost $575 billion dollars. The porpoise was to look for ice water under the dessert and undermine if there is life in Phoenix. (Anyone who’s been to Arizona can already answer that)

The landing took place on Memorabilia Day Sunday, which was convenient for the dateless Nerd People. NASSAU photos later showed the rocket apparently landed on someone’s patio. After a while, a shovel will dig down, looking for Ice Cube, who many believe is still alive, although the same can’t be said for his career.

In his overalls, the mission makes Skippy to ask the musical question: Is this the best way to spend taxpainter money, which could be better wasted in Iraq? And if so, why not?

Were it up to Skippy, if someone was looking for life under the dessert, aim your projectile at Uranus instead. (If you’re aiming a mortar round, on the other foot, aim it at Las Vegas, not Phoenix. Furtherwise, Skippy suggests aiming at a Burt Baccarat table, which you can’t win at because it’s fixed. And Vegas’ official motto is: “If it ain’t fixed, why bother?”)

According to the NASSAU Nerds, if they find water under their dessert, this proofs there is life on Mars, and Orson Welles was right, albeit still dead. Personally, Skippy thinks this shows maybe those rocket sturgeons aren’t as smart as you look. Even with the price of gas, it would cost less to drive to the 7-Eleven and just pick up a couple of bags.

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