Skippy's Pre-game Redskin Speech

Skippy Gzitzman, owner/operator of this website, has been given the rare honor of presenting a locker room motivational speech to the Washington Redskins before their opening game against the Superbowl Champion New York Giants. The following is a transcript of that speech. The original is on display at the Smithsonian.
Dearly Beloved,

Hi, my name is Skippy and I have a mental plate in my head. I live with Mama, the twins of my dead sister and my cat, Mr. Whiskers IV, in a FEMA doublewide down from Floyd the Truck Drivin’ Man and his Peterbilt. I really really like Lemon Meringue pie.

Skippy have been asked by Head Coach-for-Now Zim Jorn to give this Motivationary Speak to you Redskims before tonight’s game.

If you're nervous, just keep in mind the guys in the other locker room put on your pants the same way you do, only first they grease ‘em up with Crisco and KY Jelly.

Don't forget, that tonight is the day you take the bull by the shorts, strap him up, and face the music with your ear to the grimestone. Play them “One Day at a Time” although Skippy prefers “The Golden Girls,” 10 PM weeknights on TBS.

In the immoral words of that genius, Norman Einstein, never have so many done so much for so few and vice versa. Rumyard Kipling once wroted in his poem, Want some Candy, Kid?--“If you can get some head when all about you are losing theirs, congratulations, you may already be a winner.”

Today’s contest is not the end of the beginning, nor the beginning of the end. It is merely the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end, unless it rains.

Remberith thith: If a man gains the world but loseth his immoral soles, what doth it profit him in the end, unless he be jellin’?

Don’t think just because they won the Super Bowl that Giants don’t play football. Bowling is a lot like football except it’s played indoors, and it has alleys and bigger balls. Speaking of bigger balls, as the late Coach Vince Lumbago once said earlier, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight that counts, but enough about Michael Vick.”

But seriously, folks, this is what we practice for, except the guys who were cut, who practiced for little more than whatever tape they could filch.

In closing, don’t forget to tip your towel boy, tighten your jocks and clocks, and remember, win or lose, someone will emerge victorious. And it is Skippy’s firm hose that the Redskims will be the winners tonight. If not, at least make sure the Giants don’t cover. Now get out there and win one for the Giffords.

Finally, if I can leave you with but one thought, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.

Skippy Helps You Get Gassed

How can I save Gas and Increase Mileage?—H. Ford, Dearborn, MI.

Skippy is dewing his part to avoid Gobular Climax Change by making his trips to the pie shop more few and getting most of his same pie also at the same time too. Skippy really really likes Lemon Meringue Pie.

Skippy also axed Floyd, the truck Drivin’ Man, for some tips but he was passed out in his Peterbilt in a Diuretic Comma from all the pie.

So here is Tippy’s Gas Skips.

*Sometimes when you drive, don’t take your car, drive a bike instead. This saves gas.

*Because energy is dispensated when you put on your breaks, remove your breaks from your car. Try not to hit things, but remember if you do, when your car is in the repair shop, you can’t drive it. This saves gas.

*Use your horn and stick your head out the window and yell, “Out of the way, Fathead, I have no breaks.”

*Because gas expounds when temperatures are lower, fill your car in the early morning hours, preferably before the gas station opens. This will save you money.

*Buy several hundred propeller beanies and epoxy them to the hood of your car. The aerial windage created by the spinning propellers can be compensated into renewable energy.

*Instead of headlights, use a flashlight. This saves electricity.

*Move to a hilltop, coast down the hill and winch your car back up. This saves gas.

*A mixture of half gas, half turpentine, and half Old Time Lemonade mix can be used instead of Hi Test if you’re not that fond of your engine.

*If you don’t want solar panels on the roof of your car for atheistic reasons, put them on the bottom instead and flip your car over at night when you aren’t using it, so your solar pan…no wait, that won’t work. Never mind.

*Hitchhike. If more people hitchhiked fewer people would drive alone and there would be more sex between conmuting adults and adulturers. While you are pulled over “Doing it,” you save gas.

*Cow farts.

*Buy a slicker for your car. Wind slides past slickers, which is why they are called slickers and you get better gas musilage. Also, “slicker” is a funny word. Just ask Arty from The Larry sanders Show.

*Grace Slick was never on The Larry Sanders Show, which was a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

*Naugahyde Vinyl Seats. Your ass slides all over which provides gas-saving ass momentum going into turns. Try to turn the same way as often as probable.

*Next erection, don’t elect a oil man president in chief who as an oilman couldn’t find undergrown oil in Texas--or his ass with both hands, and who, when he owned the Texas Rangers, traded away slugger Keyser Soze.

Skippy's Tips: How To Fly Cheaperer

How can I avoid Luggage fees when I fly?--A. Earhart, New South Wales

As some of you may have already knew, airlines and other criminal enterprises have began to charge passengers $15 to check a bag on the flight on which you are flying or otherwise on board. The cost is $25 for another bag, excluding the Missus. This is because of excessive gas, they claim. Skippy laughs up his shorts at that. What has farting got to do with anything?

Airlines says the fees are needed for them to continue to overcharge passengers while maintaining the minimal service standards for which airlines have become known. The airlines say overall transtipation costs, especially jet fool, continue to rise. Thuswise, luggage carriage alone costs have rise 180 % in the last year alone, they fib.

Skippy has taken these datums and broken them down by cost. Skippy hisself has been broken down mostly by cheap booze and hookers. Some 30% of current luggage lugging costs now goes for the original shippage, airlines claim, with 150% of the expense to re-ship your bags from Kuala Lumpur to your original destination.

These added lugging fees is in addition to the previously before ordered Homely Security Passenger Tacks. After the Seven-Eleven Attacks on the World Train Center, airports tripled nearby parking fees. They says gouging the pubic stops penny-pinching terrorists who won’t pay higher car bum parking costs. How dumb is the American pubic? Don’t ask.

Airlines now also charge extra for not sitting next to a fat guy, earwax removal fees, Stewardess dipilitation fee, Kentucky Windage Fee, Wax Lips Tax, and a fee to cover cocktail napkins for the Captain’s preflight cocktail party.

Skippy suggests you avoid the added baggage feeage by not lugging takage with you, except carrion. Also wear all of your clothing on the flight.

Here’s some more money saving trips:

*Next time you fly, take a bus instead.

*Join the Air Marshmallow Service. You fly free, plus you’re allowed to shoot people.

*Edible Undies.

*Look for special seating bargains, such as Overwing Seating Discount. Windy, but worth it.

*Marry an aircrew member and get free flights. Even with alimony, still a bargain.

*Try a “Minimal Maintenance Special.” These are older planes the airlines don’t fix because they’re retiring them soon, unless they crash first.

*Always bring your own food with you. Never buy expensive snatch at the airpork.

Remember, as Skippy says: The next time you fly, happy motoring!

SKIPPY’S GRADUATION SPEECH

Text from Skippy’s Graduation Address to the Class of 2008 at Floyd’s Unlicensed Drive-a-Peterbilt Academy and Car Wash, June 1, 2008

“Constipated Faculty, Extinguished Aluminum, and Unwelcome Graduates of Floyd’s Unlicensed Drive-a-Peterbilt Academy and Car Wash, welcome to tonight or today’s graduation ceremonies, whichever comes first.

Firstly of which, I’d like to thank Floyd for that wonderful introspection. As Floyd said, my name is Skippy Gzitzman and I have a metal plate in my head, so please don’t throw magnets like they did last year.

Today, I say without fear of contraception that it is a horror and a privilege to have to speak to you as you launch out into the world of professional divers. As you slide behind the well of your trucks, you’ll soon see the highways and fryways, feeways and tunepikes over which you will be driving in your Peterbilts.

Shirtly, you will put your tassel on your other head and become an exposed facto member of this besmirched institution.

I believe it was Mort Twain, who once explained, humans is the only animal who brushes, or needs to. But also, human orgasms have the ability to laugh up their shorts at themself. Aminals can’t laugh except the hyena, which laughs mostly at knock-knock jokes and Carlos Mencia.

The poet once said: “To thine own shelf be true, all others pay cash.” We all know one of the first lesions you earn in life is to never give up, never give in, and never give your social security number to a hooker. Or a slicer. Or any golfer. Because they will identify thieve you and buy a Big Burper from Carraway.

Many of you men and women were once young boys when you were growing up. Some of you may recall when you went through publicity, and discovered hair under your arms and on your puber. If you were like me, you often said to yourself, what does it profit a man if he has so much as schtuped to help a fiend in need? So true. So very, very true.

It was Soccertoes or Tom Cruise who once said, "Do those come in men’s sizes?" But stature isn’t a matter of how tall you are, or your girth, or your girdle. It’s what’s inside, point to own heart, which counts the most.

Also, World Peace.

Many of the few of you who must look for work have already found it, and to you, I say, remember the Maine. It is only by having did what is most hard, that dreams take wings, and if you doesn’t do what a man’s gotta do, who does? No one who never dreams will ever know the same.

Frank Wurlitzer, who used to play with his own mighty organ before inventing the Nobel Prize, once said, “Music is like soup. You must cook it first. Unless it’s Vichy Sauce, which is served cold, garnered with potatoes. Or you could take a leek in the broth instead.”

But I digress. If I may be so bald, let me leave you with the immoral words of Franklyn Domino Roosevelt, who was either once President of this great napkin of ours, or sang Blueberry Hill. For those of you who don't, one asks, what do it profit a man if either a difference he can make but chooses nigh?

And so, time having passed, moves on. Yet people still ask me. And I answer, who asked you, Fatso?

But mostly, my message to always this. Remember and never forgot when you left this degradation ceremony these three important lepers. 1. You may now drink algorhythmic beavers. 2. Smoke if you got ‘em. 3. If you’ve brought some weed, share it with your speaker.

Also, Floyd reminds me to remind me to remind you to don’t forget to return your mens room key and also, your instructors work for tips, so give early and often.

This is the third consecutive year in a row Floyd has asked me to give the gradation speech, so Skippy feels like he knows a little bit about you truckers, your mothers and, of course, you mother truckers. Skippy apologizes again to last year’s class for his inadverbial mispronuncment which became one of the most dirtiest of George W. Carlin’s seven words he can’t say on TV, except HBO.

And let Skippy leave you with this. If Will Rogers weren’t still dead today, Skippy bets he would never say he never met a man he didn’t like. Thank you and goodnight. Did I mention, I’m Skippy?

What's the Deal with Sharon Stone & China?

Skippy, what's the deal with Sharon Stone and how come you’re weird funny, not so much the ha-ha funny? --Anomynous

Someone who has to have his name reconstructed at his own bequest, insulted Skippy as being “weird funny” not “ha ha funny. ” As for this person, Skippy laughs up his shorts, because you doesn't have a foot to stand up, Mr. Rove. Oops.

Skippy is no Occidental Comedian. Skippy works delusionally on his comedy. He works on consigliariment, too.

Take for incident, when Skippy recently was hired by the lonely and targeted actress Sherman Stoned. Ever since her career was snatched away from her, she has all but disintigrated. Short of displaying her Venus Flytrap again, she needed major pubicity to restark her career, Skippy said.

So Skippy told her to clam the earth quack in China was caused by Bad Parma. She also said it was because they closed the LLama Deli, wherever that is.

Ha!

We all know the earth quack was really caused by Unclear Weapons Testing by the Pinko Chinese. Speaking of Bush, both George Bush W. and former Pest Secretary Stop McLellman both said so. But Three billion Chinamen--excuse Skippy for the Politicial Incorruptness--he means 1.5 billion Chinamen and 1.5 billion Chinawomen can't be wong.

So as soon as they herd that’s what she said, the Chinese boycotted and girlcotted Sharon Snatches Primary Aspect, her moneymaker.

This got her all that publicity, mostly from people who thought she threw up in her panties and had left the sliver screed entirely. In other words abandoned the crap of acting. Okay, that's a stretch. Let's just say Sherman Stoned retarded from acting in the movies and flim.

Then when she apologized for her Karman Ghia comment, she got even more publicity. And as they say in the publicity biz, the only bad pube is no pubes at all.

So stick that in your Ukelele and smoke it, wise aleck!

Skippy Explains the Spaced Program

“What is the Mars Phoenix Mission?” --W. Von Braun, Stuttgart, Germany

This was a recent missions by the National Automobile and Space Administration. (NASSAU), who employs rocket sturgeons who are smarter than you, but who are by and large a bunch of Nerds, so stick your jealousy where the sun don’t grow. (The program is actually monikered by the Jet Prostitution Lad in Pasadena, CA.)

The mission took nine months and cost $575 billion dollars. The porpoise was to look for ice water under the dessert and undermine if there is life in Phoenix. (Anyone who’s been to Arizona can already answer that)

The landing took place on Memorabilia Day Sunday, which was convenient for the dateless Nerd People. NASSAU photos later showed the rocket apparently landed on someone’s patio. After a while, a shovel will dig down, looking for Ice Cube, who many believe is still alive, although the same can’t be said for his career.

In his overalls, the mission makes Skippy to ask the musical question: Is this the best way to spend taxpainter money, which could be better wasted in Iraq? And if so, why not?

Were it up to Skippy, if someone was looking for life under the dessert, aim your projectile at Uranus instead. (If you’re aiming a mortar round, on the other foot, aim it at Las Vegas, not Phoenix. Furtherwise, Skippy suggests aiming at a Burt Baccarat table, which you can’t win at because it’s fixed. And Vegas’ official motto is: “If it ain’t fixed, why bother?”)

According to the NASSAU Nerds, if they find water under their dessert, this proofs there is life on Mars, and Orson Welles was right, albeit still dead. Personally, Skippy thinks this shows maybe those rocket sturgeons aren’t as smart as you look. Even with the price of gas, it would cost less to drive to the 7-Eleven and just pick up a couple of bags.

Skippy Asks: How Do You Brush Cat Teeth?

As some of you long term Skippy fans have already knew, Skippy has to have had four cats since he had the plate installed, all named “Mr. Whiskers.”(The cats, not the Plate)

First there was “Mr. Whiskers,” then “Mr. Whiskers the Second,” then “Mr. Whiskers the Fourth,” which was because Skippy forgot what number it was, and then “Mr. Whiskers” again because Skippy didn't know whether to call him the second or the fifth.

Mr. Whiskers

They are all currently dead except for the present Mr. Whiskers. The most recently Mr. Whiskers to croak died a tragic death by hanging when Mama and he went for a walk and Mr. Whiskers the Fourth excaped from Mama who ran up a tree. That is Mr. Whiskers ran up a tree, not Mama, who doesn't climb trees since she took a header and fractured her female bone.

Anyway, Mr. Whiskers the Fourth stranguled to death of strangulation, which was very sad, when he slipped from the tree and his leash got caught. Yes, Skippy knows that many cats do not like to be on a leash, but until his untimed death, Mr. Whiskers the Fourth loved a leash, which he would fetch and bring to Mama when he wanted to be walked. And vice versa.

So the new Mr. Whiskers who has really nice teeth which Skippy wants to to keep that way. Now Skippy wonders how do one should brush a cat’s teeth?

Skippy bought a oral dentalfrice to get them clean so they don't get periodominal disease.
Skippy read you should never give a cat gum or gin so Mr. Whiskers won’t get gum disease or Gin Givitis.

When Skippy tried to brush Mr. Whiskers teeth, Mr. Whiskers scratched him so bad he had to go to the emergency to which Floyd droved in his new Peterbilt. Floyd makes the best pie.


The Late Mr. Whiskers the Fourth (r)

Skippy guesses the question is: now what? Should Skippy keep trying to brush Mr. Whiskers teeth? Can he get Cat Crap Fever? Floyd said Skippy should get the cat drunk first.

Please if anyone knows, answer because Mr. Whiskers teeth are getting strained and Skippy’s open sours are turning into pistols and might get infectioned.